Pfft

Where o' where has my creativity gone?
Where o' where can it be?
I think it's at
The bottom of the sea
Down where the fishies pee.

Yes, apparently I'm still 12.

When?

When will it get easier?
When will I get fit?
When will I be thin(ish)?
When will dinner magically make itself?
When will I stop questioning everything?
When will I stop asking, "When?"

So.....anyone have the answer to these questions? How about answers to all the questions I still have spinning out of control in my head?

No? I'll forgo all the other questions for now and be content with the answer to this one: When will boot camp STOP kicking my ass?

I've been doing boot camp twice a week for 5 weeks now. I occasionally supplement those days with hiking in the same park, tackling Cardiac Hill (of which I named myself based on the pain it inflicts upon the unsuspecting hiker). If I'm doing that sonofabitch of a hill twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week, wouldn't you think that I would FINALLY be able to make it up without stopping? Huh? I mean COME ON...five weeks...give me some endurance already!!!! Oy.

I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with me that I'm still unable to keep up. But then I have moments of lucidity where I realize I AM doing more than I did 5 weeks ago. While I still need to take a break half way up CARDIAC HILL, I can do it twice. Not only that, I am WILLING myself to do it again, just to see if I can. I think that is an accomplishment to celebrate. Just 2 months ago I didn't want to tackle anything with a hill.....Hill Avoidance Syndrome, I haz it! I guess I should say, I HAD it. I'm still not keen on doing them, but I won't shy away anymore as long as I can see the end of the hill. If the mofo runs off out of sight, no way.....I'm not doing it. Nothing worse than getting stuck half way up a hill only to find that it has aspirations of being Everest. No thankya!

So, I guess all that is left for me to do is keep at it. I plan on confronting that damn hill until I can climb it without stopping half way AND without gasping for air ( a little huffing and puffing is o.k.). I do hope I can accomplish this before I start school again and my exercise routine plummets. Ugh...that is a whole other bitch blog topic.

Well, time to hit the shower!

Back in the Swing

Wow...five months! Has it really been THAT long since I posted anything? My idea well had run dry and school took over my life, so those two things top my excuse list. Now that summer is here I have all the time in the world to write, write, write. But, instead I'll probably read, read, read since summer has only eliminated ONE excuse, which is time. I'm still devoid of blogging ideas. I could pull a Seinfeld and blog about 'nothing', but the more I think about it, the more it seems I was doing that to begin with.

Last night I read back through ALL of my past blogs and came to the conclusion that I live my life in a loop. I swing between weight loss issues and 'finding myself' rants. For someone that thrives on variety in her life, that is sounding pretty damn dull. Yet, depending on the point in my life each one of those issues is important and can be, unfortunately, all consuming.....which is why I appear stuck in the damn loop!

I do have to acknowledge that some of my blog entries were rather funny, some poetic and deep.....but some were just absolute drivel! It is really entertaining (or disturbing, not sure which) to see how random and diverse my thoughts are ....ALL IN THE SAME BLOG! I guess that is the sign of someone who writes as they think, instead of organizing thoughts into something cohesive. Hmm......nope, cohesive DOES NOT describe me.

What I had forgotten was how honestly I wrote those words. I promised myself when I started that I would do that, regardless of how embarrassing the topic (think weight). I am glad I did, because looking back through my blogs gave me perspective and motivation to keep moving forward. I see that it is a pattern for me, this starting and stalling. There is no way to avoid it when it is right there in front of you in big, bold print. There are also witnesses....my fan base (all 2 or 3 of them which will probably need a reminder that I've started blogging again). They keep me motivated and my blogs give us something to talk about over coffee.

Speaking of coffee.....time for more.

Give Me Strength

Give me strength.......to selectively (and wisely) give into the minor urges to stave off the landslide so that I may prevent the avalanche!

Roughly translated, the above means that I had ice cream tonight.

It was a mere half a cup (well, maybe a smidgen more since I just 'eyeballed' it) and it tasted just like you'd imagine heaven would taste...all billowy and soft and dreamy. I bet there are no such things as calories and saturated fat, HDL or LDL in Heaven. O.k. I strayed a bit from my original thought, which was....the ice cream was Dreyers reduced fat French Silk, which is indeed tasty, but certainly not Heaven worthy. So then why did it taste so spectacular? Deprivation that's why! Thus my reference to landslides and avalanches. I'm not sure which one is technically worse, but AVA LANCE has an incredibly destructive ring to it, so I chose that as the thing to avoid. Landslides can come in many sizes, small to big. So, I see tonight's tiny dish of ice cream (well....OKAY already...and the chocolate covered graham cracker from Starbucks earlier) as a small landslide, with no devastating consequences when looking at the big picture. By caving into the cravings I'm hoping to keep away the unconscious nibbling that can lead to an Avalanche of food consumption that is just SOOOO detrimental to me now.

My sweet tooth seems to have kicked into high gear today and I'm still craving them, but I'm trying my damnedest to ignore it. The bottle of wine I bought for Friday night is also calling me. Why these things hit all at once I think is more mental than physical and I have no diagnosis for that yet, but at least I know it's lurking there.

To keep the avalanche at bay I had to relieve some pressure, which was the ice cream (and cookie). To balance that I said no to Sloppy Joe's for dinner, even though the smell was almost hypnotic and the family gobbled them up 2 at a time! NO....I stayed strong. I even voiced my dismay that after 4 weeks, I still CRAVE wine each night.....why???????

So, my craving is still there, but I've thrown it a bone and it will have to be happy with that. I'm going to sip my tea and look toward a slimmer, healthier future. So, what DID I eat today?

Breakfast
Oatmeal (again....with the fixings from yesterday)
coffee & a Misto w/2% milk from Starbucks

Lunch
Subway...OMG it was good today. I'm not sure I even chewed it....but they tast rather good inhaled, too.
Also had a latte (w/1 raw sugar) and a dark chocolate covered graham cracker

Snack
cucumbers & red peppers dipped in hummus

Dinner
Salmon (with herb butter...oh...yum), Salad and strawberries (yes, I had the damn ranch again...must make my dressing and pronto)

snack
ice cream
almonds
tea

I'm now reading the articles in my Shape magazine of women who've battled their weight and are winning. I need the inspiration right now, cause the frustration is still clinging to me like white cat hair on black velvet! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Food Monday, 2/2/09

Alright dammit.....I know I'm older now and weight is harder to lose, but we are in WTF territory now, because I've been doing SUPER DUPER STELLAR well on my eating and the weight is crawling off. NO....not crawling...that would indicate movement faster than that of a sloth. My weight is moving down at such a minuscule rate that it will take me until 2020 to lose 5 pounds.

So, we are reduced to journaling our eating habits. While mine have room for improvement, as you will no doubt see in the coming weeks, I have made significant improvements on portion size and what I'm eating. If I have seconds, I'll be honest. If I eat 4 slices of pizza, I'll narc myself out...right here...in public. For the record, the 4 slices of pizza and 3 glasses of wine from LAST Friday are not going to be mentioned. Neither will the copious amounts of crab and wine consumed at a jolly event on Saturday. They are behind me now...literally, because I've gained back 4 of the 8 I've lost in those 2 days alone....and I'm sure it's ALL in my ass.


Lets see....today:

Breakfast:
steel cut oats w/frozen blueberries, sliced almonds and sprinkle o brown sugar and splash of milk
coffee w/cream & sugar (yea, I know)

Lunch:
small salad w/Italian dressing (ugh, hardly any...was almost out)
strawberries
raw almonds (palm size)
non-fat latte w/2 pkg raw sugar

snack:
1/2 cup lowfat plain yogurt with chopped apple (1/4 of the apple), strawberries (about 4 of them), pecans and sprinkle (1/2 tsp) of brown sugar

dinner:
BIG salad w/ranch dressing (yea...I know)
Kashi whole grain pilaf sprinkled with < 1oz. of cheese.

snack:
tea
raw almonds (palm size)

I will, as best I can, record my eating habits to try and keep me honest with myself. I won't get into measuring food too much, because this is about changing my life and I'm taking baby steps.

The Woman Formerly Known As......Me.

Metamorphosis is a spectacular thing. Stick with whatever definition you like, but for me it is.... becoming. A metamorphosis is 'a becoming': a fuzzy, awkward caterpillar becomes a graceful butterfly or your beautiful baby becomes a toddler, then a teenager, a woman, a wife....a mother. Always becoming.

I expected that at the age of 40 I would be done with my 'becoming'.

Apparently, I didn't get the memo from myself that I was just beginning.

I began my recent phase a year ago by becoming a college student. A step that I had always longed to take, but never really thought I would. A year later I'm still in a flux, not sure what I want to do with this education I'm working so hard for. It's wonderful to be moving toward something, but the feeling is incomplete without a direction for that forward momentum. I may never really find it and that very idea is growing on me little by little. To always be 'becoming', you need to be in a constant state of seeking....it's not a conscious process, it just happens. To stop seeking could mean stagnation. I've been there, it totally sucked and I'd like my money back! But seriously, to always be evolving means you are open to change and all of it's glorious and frightening possibilities.

What is interesting is how many of my friends are going through the same thing.. Could it be that our kids are going through the dreaded teen transformation and we are now left with more time to explore that part of life we put off to be mom? Yes, I think it could. Of course, that is merely a part of it. The other factors that are causing this mass metamorphosis are personal, individual and unique to each of us. But the fact remains that we ARE changing, all of us...together we are becoming.

It's funny, whenever I sit down to journal (a.k.a blog in more modern speak) I have all of these thoughts and ideas that I want to include, but by the time I've put the first few ideas into words I start getting caught up in the details, the words I'm using to paint the picture of my thoughts, the spelling, the grammar...I lose track of what I want to say! This is yet another one of those times. I wanted to include more of my thoughts on my project to gain more control over my body, what real beauty is and then finally, why we really don't know ourselves as well as we think we do....but all of these topics will have to wait until the next update.

The Heat is On!

The end of my first year as a college student is coming to a close. By this time next week (Wed) I will have completed my math final and will be studying for my Political Science final (Fri).

This has been the fastest longest year of my life.

Yes, you heard right: the FASTEST ------> LONGEST year of my life.

How can something appear to crawl, but actually move at the speed of light? How can a mere year pass when I FEEL like 5 have passed? This college stuff....it's for the young'uns man! I am pooped, wiped, beat and run over by a truck (or at least LOOK that way) at the end of each week. I KNOW 20 year olds don't feel that way.....and if they did, well.....it's cause they've been up for 36 hours straight because they've been partying and working and running on pure youth. Pfft...well....just wait you young whipper snappers.....just you wait.

So, aside from being mulch at the end of each week, I am managing to get good grades. I'm floating A in Pre-Algebra. So, when you are DONE laughing.....please consider the fact that for various reasons I've sucked at math since 4th grade, so PreAlgebra is HUGE accomplishment for me. I'm finally making up for it and as much as I'd like to hate math...I just can't! It is soooo not fair to despise something for sooo long only to have it be.....{{shudder}}....FUN. Who'da thunk it??? I still have to get through the final and I have to manage to remember all the concepts we've covered in 11 short weeks.....which is a challenge when you have a sieve for a brain.

My other class is Political Science (which is a fancy college way of saying American Government 1). I SOOOO wanted to hate this class. Sigh......some power is conspiring against me to prevent me from bitching and moaning over my classes and it's just not fair (yea, I know I said that already). It stinks that this professor had to go and make it interesting......I hate him! Grrrrr....I can't even say THAT with a straight face (although, my adoring reader fans wouldn't know that would ya...cause you can't see me!!!). So, instead of tanking in this class, which I was sure I'd do, I'm earning 99.76% (including extra credit....must give credit to beloved extra credit)....I'm earning an A+. I'd love to say that it's because I'm a diligent student and I love the material....but I'd be a liar. Instead, I'm just a geeky mature student who does all my work, does a decent job on test and always ALWAYS does the extra credit.

I realize now, after this past year, that I am a nerd. NOT getting an A in a class will make me unhappy. I teach my kids to do their best, to work hard to and to achieve all they can.....regardless of what that is. Whether that be an A or a B or a C....they just need to do their best. ME....I don't listen to my own advice. I earned an A- in my Critical Writing class and I sulked for a flipping week!

This brings me to my latest drama. I've been trying for a year to eliminate a pesky F from THE ONLY college class I took in 1989. Our Loma Prieta earthquake happened, I started a new job and....just never went back to class. So that F haunts me....HAUNTS me. If I were to eliminate the F, my GPA for this past year (3 whole quarters) would be 3.9 (damn A-).

I don't know if I'll ever earn a 4.0. Next quarter will be harder math and two other classes to balance (one of which may be history). For someone who could easily earn a PhD in Procrastination, this is a lot of pressure. Yet, I can't begin to explain nor describe the desire I have to make up for my slacker Jr/High school years (and all the years that followed).

If I'm destined for the Honor Roll....well, that remains to be seen. All I know is that I have my eye on a GPA doesn't stray more than two spaces from (and including) the beginning of the alphabet. I have AT LEAST 2 more years of Jr. College before I dip my toes in the big leagues (a.k.a San Jose State), where my dearest friend Nancy is already kicking butt. Hey Nan....save a seat on the train for me, will ya? ;-p